A “bid for connection” is any small attempt one partner makes to get the other’s attention, support or affection. It might be a comment, a glance, a touch—anything that says, “I’m here. Are you here with me?” These moments may seem small, but research shows that how we respond to them matters a great deal. The more we tune in to our partner’s bids, the more they feel heard, valued and secure in the relationship.
Bids can be quite obvious, such as telling your husband you couldn’t do your run because your hip was sore, or mentioning that you’re tired. They can also be subtle, like reaching out for their hand or commenting that the sunset is beautiful this evening. That’s more than an astronomical observation—it’s an invitation to connect and share the experience. You may have seen the recent social media trend where people text their partner, ‘I saw a bird,’ just to see how they respond. It may seem silly, but it’s actually a playful example of a bid for connection—a small outreach meant to say, ‘Are you present with me?’ The responses people share online highlight how differently partners turn toward, turn away from, or even turn against these tiny moments.
As the holidays come closer, many couples find that these bids matter even more than usual. The season tends to stir up both joy and stress, and partners can unintentionally slip past each other. Paying attention to these small invitations to connect can help anchor you to one another during a time that can feel both lovely and overwhelming.
The crucial aspect isn’t the bid itself but how your partner responds. Do they tune in by noticing and accepting the bid? Or do they turn away, ignoring or missing it? Also, “accepting” doesn’t mean you have to drop everything and begin a lengthy interaction. It’s usually enough to simply let your partner know you’ve heard them.
Early in couples’ therapy, I explain this idea to clients and ask them to notice these moments in their lives. Typically, when a couple first gets together, they pay a lot of attention to these moments. Over time life happens, and things get in the way. It often emerges that they engage in this way much less than they used to—or not at all. Unfortunately, tuning out too many of these bids can make your partner feel more distant, rejected and even abandoned.
So, how does all this help couples? The first thing is simply getting each partner to notice these bids and pay attention. Even small gestures or comments show a partner you’re with them. I also suggest couples create a ritual around these bids. For example, when you come home after being apart all day, put down your phone and have a 30-second hug, or coffee or tea before the day starts. Then, when you have each other’s attention, pay attention to bids that are made, reciprocate and appreciate these efforts to connect. I know that ritualizing these moments sounds a little contrived. But when couples have forgotten how to make these little connections, rituals help you rebuild the habit.
The result is a deeper connection, with more intimacy, security, trust and resilience. It helps you believe your person is there for you. And with a deeper connection as a couple, everything else you face is easier—from navigating disagreements to making plans for the future. It’s actually quite amazing to see how this relatively simple shift in awareness and responsiveness can help relationships that felt tense and distant become so much warmer and more satisfying. And as the holidays approach, even a small moment of turning toward each other can make the season feel a little more connected and grounded.
Anu Chahauver is the Director of Your therapy and a registered social worker, psychotherapist. Anu specializes in seeing individuals, couples, and families. Anu has expertise in somatization, medical & mental health. Anu’s practice is evidence informed using Narrative,CBT, Attachment, Internal Family System and Emotionally Focused therapies.
Your Therapy is a safe, welcoming counselling therapy practice in the Greater Toronto Area. Thanks for reading and, as always, please feel free to reach out with questions about talk therapy or other mental health issues. We offer mental health therapy and more.
