Parents don’t cause separation anxiety—but they can help treat it
There’s something so visceral and heartbreaking about kids with separation anxiety. You’re dropping your child off at school or daycare or you’re trying to get out the door for work or even just to go to the store, but they’re in tears. They’re clinging to you and refusing to let go, maybe complaining of head or tummy aches or even vomiting. Older kids with separation anxiety may refuse to go to school or participate in activities, and also voice extreme fears of something bad happening to them or their parents or caregiver.
Anxiety is an essential part of the human experience, and all kids feel it from time to time. But separation anxiety becomes a disorder when these symptoms are severe, persist over time and significantly interfere with ordinary daily activities. When children have separation anxiety disorder, parents are often wracked with guilt that they’ve somehow caused it. In this blog, I hope to dispel that myth with a two-part message: it’s not your fault, but you can help.
It’s not about your parenting
I know I just said this, but it’s worth saying again: Separation anxiety is not by some kind of parenting mistakes or failures. However, it does take two to tango. That is, separation anxiety doesn’t happen on its own—it exists in relation to someone else. So a shift in behaviour by either party can affect it. That means parents can take actions to help treat it.
When I work with a parent about separation anxiety, it’s not about judging their parenting in any way. Instead, we look at the relationships involved, to try and understand what’s happening, and figure out things that each party can do to turn it around. Children are highly attuned to family dynamics. Anything happening in a family is like dropping a pebble in a pond, where the ripples spread all across the water. Often a good start is helping parents address their own anxiety, possibly with psychotherapy or self-care and reflection.
Family dynamics are important
A good way to think about this is that parents form a safe, secure base for a child. Secure children will go out and explore, knowing they have that safe base. Separation anxiety interferes with the child’s ability to explore the world around them. Again, I’m not talking about not crying for a few minutes when mom or dad leaves—this is about the child who cries all day. With extreme separation anxiety there’s often an anxious parental figure. The secure base is created with calm and steady parenting.
Even from a very young age, kids are sensitive to the emotional cues of their parents. For example, did you ever try to calm your baby when you’re arguing with your partner? It is very difficult to do. Even without understanding words, the baby gets more upset because they’re picking up on emotional cues that something’s wrong. So, how you feel about things in your life affects the kids. Often without even realizing it, they mirror your emotions. This is especially significant in times of crisis or big life transitions.
Reducing your own anxiety
Understanding this dynamic is crucial, since it helps parents understand how their own anxiety plays a role in the anxiety that their child is feeling. Again, it’s not your fault. And in fact, the good news is that you can go a long way toward treating a child’s separation anxiety by treating your own anxiety with therapy and self care.
It’s quite remarkable, really. People often say: “If my kid is happy, then I’ll be happy”. But it’s actually the other way around: If a parent is happy, then the kid will more likely be happy. The great thing about realizing this is that parents are often more motivated than kids are to participate in the therapeutic process. And the better you’re doing, the better your kids will do.
Anu Chahauver, MSW, RSW is a registered social worker / psychotherapist specializing in individual, family, couple and parent based treatment of anxiety and other concerns at our clinic.
Your Therapy is a safe, welcoming, psychotherapy & counselling practice in the Greater Toronto Area. Thanks for reading and, as always, please feel free to reach out with questions about therapy or other mental health issues.