If therapy is starting to feel like Groundhog Day, the same conversations, the same patterns, nothing much changing—you’re probably picking up on something real. There are usually a couple of reasons why therapy stops working: either it’s not a good fit, or you’ve actually reached where you need to be. Both are valid, and both are important to recognize. Here are ways to do that.
Connection Isn’t Enough
Believe it or not, really liking your therapist doesn’t automatically mean the therapy is effective. You can feel really connected to your therapist and still not be moving forward. Both connection and progress need to be present for therapy to work. If therapy appointments feel more like coffee with a friend, something’s off. I’ve told clients directly, “I think we’re stuck.” When that happens, there are a few steps a therapist can take, such as consulting with a
colleague or having another therapist sit in on our session to help shake things up.
As a client, you should be watching for this too. It’s okay to say, “I like coming here and talking to you, but I’m not progressing.” In fact, feeling this way could mean you’ve actually reached the place you need to be, which is a good thing. Either way, it’s important to figure out what’s going on.
Red Flags to Watch For
If you’re consistently leaving therapy feeling worse or stuck, that’s something important to think about. Talk to your therapist about it. And if you can’t talk about these feelings, ask yourself why. Therapy should be a place where you can say what you need to say-even at the risk of making your therapist uncomfortable.
I named my practice “Your Therapy” because that’s a key value for me: You’re the leader. This process is about your needs, and what works for you.
If you feel judged or shamed and can’t bring it up, or these feelings are dismissed-that’s a major red flag. We, therapists, are trained to have difficult conversations and not take things personally.
I once made a scheduling mistake and missed a session with a client whose core issues were about being let down and disappointed by people.
Naturally, he was distressed and hurt by this. But working through that mistake together in a safe space was quite powerful. It allowed the client to work through a triggering event with someone who took responsibility for their actions and could help them process it. Addressing hard stuff directly like that is a way to make real progress.
Trust Your Gut
It may sound a little unscientific, but trust your intuition. Canadian physician Gabor Maté, known for his work on trauma and listening to your body, talks about how we’ve been trained to ignore our gut feelings. But they’re usually telling us something important. If you think it’s not a good fit-even if you can’t put your finger on why—let your therapist know. Don’t ignore your
intuition, but don’t just jump and run either. Talk about it. A good therapist will work with you on figuring out what’s next.
