Some feelings are universal. We’ve all known joy, fear, anger, and surprise. Another one of these is anxiety. Everyone has felt worried, nervous or uneasy at some point. It was part of our survival as a species, alerting us to real dangers and helping us focus on serious challenges. These feelings are totally normal, but also intermittent. Anxiety becomes a mental health issue when it’s chronic, irrational, and starts interfering with day-to-day life, including your relationships. Here are some of the ways that happen, and what you can do about them.
1. The Reassurance Trap
Sometimes people struggling with anxiety constantly replay interactions in their mind, wondering: Did I do enough? Say enough? Was I weird? They
might apologize for everything, even just existing! They also seek a lot of reassurance from people in their lives.
If you do this, it sets off a negative cycle where you feel bad, you ask for reassurance and people provide it. But eventually, those friends or loved ones get tired of constantly doing this. You pick up on their annoyance and seek more reassurance. Rinse, repeat. It’s exhausting for everyone, including you.
Unfortunately, no amount of reassurance is ever enough. Instead, it is critical to learn to tolerate this discomfort (even for 5-10 minutes) instead of immediately reaching out. That means waiting a little, breathing and telling yourself it will pass. Learning this is essential, because that outside reassurance doesn’t truly fill the hole inside you-it just punts the feeling down the road.
2. Pulling Away
It’s common for people struggling with anxiety to cancel plans, avoid social situations and back out at the last minute. To friends and family, this looks like you’re unreliable or don’t care, and they feel rejected. I recall a few years ago a close family friend cancelled on a dinner I was throwing. I later learned it was part of his mental health struggles, but at the time, it stung.
Avoidance also makes things harder next time. To work on this issue, start small. Instead of dinner with a friend, which could be socially stressful, go see a movie instead, so you don’t have to be “on” for hours. It’s also important to be honest with yourself about what you’re avoiding and why.
3. When Routines Become Rigid
Structure and routine can be a key way to manage anxiety. I’m often a fan of structure, including in my own life. But it becomes a problem when your routine gets so rigid that you “simply must” have things a certain way. In relationships, this lack of flexibility leaves people feeling criticized, micromanaged or like they’re walking on eggshells.
Try building flexibility into your routine. Even a little can help. For example, when I work with students or people in demanding jobs, I suggest literally putting “catch-up time” or “do nothing time” into their schedules. This maintains structure, without being rigid.
4. Saying “I’m Fine” (When You’re Really Not)
People with anxiety often worry about being a burden. As a result, they don’t ask for help, minimize their own needs and say “I’m fine,” even when they’re suffering. This leaves friends and family feeling confused and helpless. Most of the time, your loved ones really do want to help. But that “I’m fine” pushes them away, and leaves you feeling alone, too.
Here’s where I ask clients to try a little radical honesty. Instead of a rote “I’m fine,” where your flat tone and sad eyes say you aren’t, try: “I’m feeling sad, but don’t want to burden you.” The truth may not entirely set you free, as the saying goes, but at least your friend or partner understands you’re not trying to shut them out. When you have a quiet moment, talk to them about how hard it is for you to let people close when you’re struggling. Then you can try working out a strategy together for next time.
5. Loss of Intimacy and Spontaneity
Another aspect of anxiety is that it’s hard for people to relax, be present or try new things together. Partners can often feel shut out, lonely and like the relationship has become predictable, with less emotional or physical intimacy.
A colleague of mine talks about scheduling intimacy and connection time. It’s tempting to laugh at the idea of a Post-it Note saying “Tues, 7 pm, be intimate.” Yet it does work. A colleague of mine has said that, naturally, it’s exciting to be suddenly swept off to dinner, but it’s also wonderful to plan and anticipate a meal together. Similarly, scheduling time to connect eases anxiety about when and what will happen. It also prioritizes the relationship. It’s not a Hallmark movie moment, but it’s a real-world solution.
Moving Forward
Anxiety affects relationships, but recognizing these patterns is the first step. And the good news is that small changes can make a real difference. If these patterns feel overwhelming or you can’t shift out of them on your own, it’s ok to seek help. Mental health professionals have a number of methods for treating anxiety. And of course, working on your anxiety doesn’t just help you, it also helps those you care about.
Anu Chahauver, MSW, RSW, Psychotherapist
Director of Your Therapy, specializing in individuals, couples, and families. Anu has expertise in somatization, medical and mental health, trauma and integrates evidence-informed approaches including Narrative, CBT, Attachment, Internal Family Systems/Somatic, and Emotionally Focused Therapy.
Your Therapy is a safe, welcoming counselling therapy practice in the Greater Toronto Area, supporting clients with therapy, mental health guidance, and practical tools for well-being.
Thanks for reading and, as always, please feel free to reach out with questions about talk therapy or other mental health issues.
Learn more about Anu here.
